Cartoon Crush Thunderdome

Once upon a time, you were a kid. I know it's hard to imagine, but stick with me. You watched cartoons, drank your Nestle's Quik (that may have just been me) and occasionally picked your nose. Life was good. And while I'm sure that plenty of us have enough material to entertain a therapist, perhaps said therapist would find none of it so interesting as that of your cartoon crushes.

What? You lie. I didn't have cartoon crushes, you say.

Oh, I believe it's you that's lying, my friend. Admit it. Speed Racer was a sexy beast. You know it. I know it. Let's be real here.

That being said, I have discovered, over time, that some have had some very odd cartoon crushes. Some of them not even in the realm of cartoon human. You know, do with that what you may (*cough*seekcounseling*cough*), but for the rest of us who preferred our cartoon crushes at least close to human, I present to you:

The Cartoon Crush Thunderdome: Dude Edition

No fear. There will be a chick edition. But for now, let's focus on the manly mystique of our toony leading men.

1. Speed Racer

Shexy. Said exactly the way it's spelled, babies. That's not a typo as far as I'm concerned.

He was a pretty boy. He drove race cars. He wore that super shexy helmet. I'm not sure what was going on with the scarf, but hey: the lashes made up for it. He's a toy boy (again, not a typo as far as I'm concerned). You know that Trixie and Daphne and She-Ra and Strawberry Shortcake were all up on his bumper.

Of course, his name was Speed. This could be a problem for lil' Miss Shortcake. But then, what the hell did she know? Her best friends were named Angel Cake and Orange Blossom. What else was she going to do? Hook up with the Purple Pie Man?

2.  He-Man

He wore fur panties. Oh yes. They were panties. Rad fur panties. Then he would twitch his ass in front of Man-at-Arms.

Of course, this was nothing compared to what he'd do in front of Skeletor. Their's was a love that was forbidden. Skeletor wished he could quit him, that imbecile. But he couldn't.

Furthermore, why is he winking at me? It's making me uncomfortable. Is there someone else behind me?

3. Prince Adam (He-Man's "alter" Ego)

The truth is, I loved He-Man back in the day. Perhaps, I even own a DVD or two. Maybe or not, there might be a carded figure somewhere in my possession. I can never be too sure of these things...

Prince Adam was He-Man's opportunity to take off the fur panties and wear nifty tights with purple undies over them (accentuates his buns of steel after all). But whenever I think of Prince Adam, I'm always reminded of my neighbor. He'd take out his He-Man figures and I'd bring out my She-Ra. We'd dump them all in a pile. Before long, he'd have Prince Adam and She-Ra getting it on in Castle Greyskull.

I wonder if he's in the pen these days....

4. Charlie Brown

Like 'em bald, do ya?

5. Fat Albert

Hey hey hey. Don't look at me like that. You know someone found Albert all saucy and juicy. I don't personally know anyone, but it's bound to happen. Could be worse. Could be Dumb Donald. He was a bit scary.

6. Fred from Scooby Doo

Okay. What's up with the fashion scarves, guys? And why do these guys never have any lips? Is that against cartoon regulation?

I actually think I went through a period where I found Fred kinda cute. In a weird, "He has a cool van" kinda way. Because that Mystery Machine was sorta sweet.

7. Inspector Gadget

You're a perv. You know it and I know it. We both know the only reason that you were hot for Gadget. And that was his gadgets. You are such a perv! Go wash your brain out with soap!

8. Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid

How's it hanging, hot stuff?

So, how do you think he rationalized Ariel's fishy smell? *raises eyebrow*

9. Fred Flintstone

Oh my God! It's ANOTHER scarf! Was this some sort of homoerotic toon signal? Was Wilma just a beard? Is it true that Barney was Fred's real main squeeze? What gives, Fred? What gives?

10. Lion-O from Thundercats

Okay, this one is borderline flubbed up. I mean, is he cat? Is he a man? Is he a mancat? Is he Catman? I don't know, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say if you crushed on this one, there might have been some issues in your life that you need to attend to before Meow Meow, the cat next door, starts to look sexy to you.

11. Shaggy from Scooby Doo

A brain fried boy and his doped up dog. Bless them both. Bless the person who finds the Shagster sexy. He's constantly high, not too good looking, is a big wuss and feeds his dog illegal substances. On second thought, I've known quite a few Shaggys. They all had girlfriends. Strange.

12. George Jetson

Is it just me or does George sorta remind you of Alan Thicke without lips?

I don't know. I sorta have an easier time believing someone crushed on Fat Albert than I do believing someone crushed on George Jetson. I'm taking callers! 1-800-SEXY-JET.

13. Prince Phillip from Sleeping Beauty

Oh sexy boyfriend. Prince Phillip was a hottie. I think he and Maleficent shoulda got it on, personally. She was so fashionable and he was so....hot. They could have had a cool Hollywood couple tag like, "Mallip" or "Phillifcent". Hot.

14.Hank from Dungeons & Dragons

Kudos to those who even remember this guy, let alone crushed on him. I always found him a bit squirrely looking personally, but I guess some might say he's got a Legolas quality about him. If they were drunk and potentially stoned as well.

15. Prince Charming from Cinderella

He looks a bit dorkified in that still, but he was still on hot piece of ink. In fact, I think that still must certainly be from a sequel. BOO! HISS!

16. Dirk from Dragon's Lair

I don't know. What do you think? Stellar, eh?

17. Peter Pan

First of all, what in the cat's ass hell is Peter Pan doing with a turntable and stereo headphones. See, I originally went on the search for Peter Pan photos, but then I found this. Seriously, what in the bat shit is this?

The destruction of my childhood aside, I never could decide if I thought Pete was cute or a bit funky looking. As one of my friends recently mentioned, "he had stupid hair." I think this was the basis of Peter Pan's motif. Always the funky hair. Live action, animated, puppet (was there a puppet?), Pete apparently always had to have funky hair.

The problem was girls, he was a horn dog. I mean, here he is bringing Wendy to Neverland, but he's got this entire harem of mermaids there waiting for. What a dog. I say we write into Dr. Phil and wait for him to say to Tink, "You're a two inch hooker playing around with funky haired man-dog, how's that workin' for ya?!"

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Now here comes the inevitable. Who did I forget? Which sexy piece of ink was left unnoticed? Who's been left to cry in their cel? Feel free to let me know. I retain the right to determine their sexiness or lack their of.

Comments

[J]

I've always had a crush on Shaggy.

One of my deepest, darkest secrets :P

[regina]

Dirk was hot even if he got eaten by some monster in most epidodes. Prince Phillip would of made a nice boytoy sex slave for the "Mal Gal". Prince Adam was by baby blonde boy love. Cute white blonde blue eyed hottie Adam/HeMan God I love that pice of meat!!

[Swampertdeck]

It's true. When I was about 10, I had a major crush on George Jetson. Kinda weird, but I just liked him being a real family daddy. Maybe because my own parents were always arguing. I just loved him and was very sad that when he'd be born, I'd be about 70...lol!